Remembering the Adolescent Years
by Barbara Cordoni and Tara Cordoni-Ely
A Mother's Viewpoint
As a mother of an adult with learning disabilities, I know that dealing with a
learning disability is not easy for a parent or a child. When it is your child who can never find the
homework or who didn't do it because she or he would rather appear forgetful
than stupid, the frustration level can seem like it is reaching epic proportions. Parents
plead, yell, even threaten, but things don't seem to get better. Of course, what we
often don't consider is that things aren't getting better for our child either. Being the
one with the learning disability, the child is the one experiencing the greatest difficulties -
a point sometimes difficult for the parent to remember. Everybody is hurting.
Parents' egos are at stake, as well. Most parents are anxious for their children to be
successful. Many want to brag about their honor roll student, their football hero. For
those with children who have trouble being successful at school, who are rebelling
against parental efforts, who may be using drugs or running away, these expressions of
pride are often replaced with worry, fear, frustration or even anger.
One of the things each of us gets to do is to make our own mistakes. My daughter,
Tara, and I both admit to making our share of mistakes. I was not as sensitive or wise
as I wanted to be. As a single mother, I was responsible for feeding, clothing and
educating four children, and I had to take care of my own needs as we. Tara had a
boyfriend who I could not tolerate; at the same time, she was not fond of mine
either. Through our personal conflicts, the one thing we did have going for us was that
we loved each other.
I did everything I knew to be supportive of her teachers. Since I was a teacher myself,
I knew what things I needed to support and what I should be questioning. The
trouble was, Tara wasn't telling me everything that was happening. After she was grown
up and told me about them, I asked why she had kept certain things from me. She
said it hurt too much to tell.
By the time Tara was in junior high, we were in trouble. It was a hard time
- no father in the home, coupled with very little money. No longer was she willing to let me
work with her on homework. Working at a university provided me the opportunity
to hire some of my graduate students to work with Tara. The graduate students were
able to bring a new approach to her learning which I could no longer do. Since
they were young and fun and not her mother, this arrangement worked well for
quite some time.
I got other things right. I made little balls of cookie dough and popped them in her
mouth when I knew she was preparing for a test. I called them courage pills, and we
needed a lot of that. I tried to say, "Just do your best. No matter what, I love you."
A Daughter's Viewpoint
Many learning disabled teenagers' lives are turbulent. These young people may
experience a sense of low self-esteem and a special kind of loneliness. In an attempt to
be accepted socially, they may experiment with drugs. Some will engage in casual
sex with dates in order to gain the date's social standing and because it may be one
of the few things they think they can do well. Many don't know how to make small
talk, let alone carry on a conversation. They feel that they don't fit in. They feel that
they are stupid.
They often forget to do their homework; or do their homework and leave it at home; or
simply decide that they will be unsuccessful in their attempts, so they do not even try. They are occasionally
surprised by exams that had been announced in class.
The following are generalizations. They encompass some of my experiences as a
daughter, as well as some of those of my friends with learning disabilities when we
were struggling through the teenage years. Allow me to speak out for the teenager
with learning disabilities.
We often need to be told what adults may assume we already know. No one ever told
me to stay to the right when going up or down stairs or walking down a sidewalk.
It took years of odd looks and near collisions for me to figure out this rule of safety
and courtesy. No one explained that neighborhood blocks increase or decrease in
increments of hundreds or that an office identified as 214 is located on the second
floor of a building. It cannot be assumed that we know "simple" or "obvious" things.
We may know that we should know how to perform certain tasks and, therefore, may
be embarrassed to ask.
Teach us life skills and insist that we use them. We will need to know how to pay
bills, use a credit card, budget our money, comparison shop, fill out tax forms and use
a checkbook. We need structure, consistency and organization more than the average adolescent. Teach us to use a
color-coded appointment book for important dates, appointments and assignments.
Make sure it is used.
Establish predictable times for family events, such as sitting down for dinner
every day at 6:00 PM. Do not vary from this routine. Set rules and stick to them. Make
the rules consistent for each child in the family. For instance, the curfew should
remain the same for each child at the age of 16; not 12:00 AM for your son and 11:00
P.M. for your daughter. And, to keep things consistent and respectable, you may
need to organize your life before you can help your teenager. Rules must apply to
you, as well. It's more important for an adolescent to have an organized life than
an organized room.
Because belonging is a strong need for adolescents, listen and work with your
child's "need" to dress according to the acceptable standards of her social group.
Be flexible and open-minded so that if she weighs the choices, choosing one pair of
designer-label jeans over the possibility of affording multiple pairs of no-name jeans,
you can help make that happen.
When other teens are getting their drivers licenses at 16 (18 in some states) make
sure that your teen has the same opportunity, even if you know that her depth perception
or spatial relationships are not good; help make it happen. If you choose not to be
her instructor, send her to driving school or find someone else to teach her. Encourage
her to drive to important locations before an actual event. Driving the route
affords her the time to pick out landmarks. Help her to judge about how long it takes
to get from place to place.
Help the teenager find areas of his/her life in which success can be enjoyed. Get the
young person involved in something she loves and feels good about, such as Explorer Scouts, spear fishing, rock
climbing, rappelling or dirt bike racing, even if you are apprehensive or are not in agreement with
the chosen activity.
Point out when she does something inappropriate so she will not repeat the behavior. Ignoring the behavior will not
eliminate it. Teach her how to carry on a conversation, listen actively, maintain eye contact and
ask questions.
And, finally, remember that you, the parent, are the safest person in the teen's life. She
may blow up and take things out on you because she cannot express her frustration
and rage at the real source. Understand this. Guide her. Help her to know when and
how to start taking personal responsibility. She will trust you and will know that you
love her.
~~~~~~~~~~
Source -
About the authors -
Barbara Cordoni is a Professor in the Department of Educational Psychology and
Special Education at Southern Illinois University. She developed and is the
coordinator of the Achieve Program, an academic support system for college students with learning disabilities.
Tara Cordoni-Ely is a doctoral student in the Department of Education Psychology
studying human learning. She has keynoted at conventions devoted to social
work as well as learning disabilities. Tara works as a graduate assistant in
the Achieve Program.
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