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Encouraging Social Skills in Young Children: Tips Teachers Can Share with Parents
by Jacquelyn Mize, PhD, & Ellen Abell, PhD
"I feel so sorry for her. She'll ask other kids if she can play, and usually they just say,
'No, you're not our friend.' She's trying to be nice. What more can she do?"
"My son seems to have gotten the idea that it's O.K. to terrorize younger children.
Yesterday I saw him shove this other little boy, take a shovel he had, and then just ride off on his
trike, leaving the other kid almost in tears."
"Erika never joins in when other children are playing. She just watches, looking
miserable and lonely, and I don't know what to say to help her"
It is not unusual for parents who are concerned about their children's social skills
to turn to preschool teachers for advice about what to do. Many a teacher has been approached by a parent
looking for help to deal with a shy or aggressive or friendless child. Can teachers feel
comfortable addressing parents' concerns? What kind of guidance can teachers give to these parents? The
purpose of this article is to review current thinking about young children's peer relationships and offer ideas
and practices that teachers can suggest to parents concerned about their children's social development.
Parents have good reason to be uneasy when their children have trouble getting along with agemates.
Peers afford preschoolers some of their most exciting, fun experiences. Not having friends or
playmates can be frustrating, even painful, for young children. In addition, a growing body of research
supports the belief, held by many early childhood professionals, that young children's peer relationships are
important for their development and adjustment to school. Preschool-aged children who have positive
peer relationships are likely to maintain positive peer interactions in grade school, while children who have a
hard time getting along with agemates in the preschool years are more likely to experience later academic
difficulties and rejection or neglect by their elementary-school peers (Ladd, 1990; Ladd
& Price, 1987; Ladd, Price, & Hart, 1988). Without the skills to play
constructively and develop friendships with agemates, children become excluded from opportunities to
develop additional and more complex skills important for future peer interaction (Eisenberg, Cameron,
Tryon, & Dodez, 1981; Howes, 1988).
Socially Competent Preschoolers
Picture the well-liked, friendly children in the preschool classrooms of your
experience. What do you notice about their behavior that makes them different from less well-liked children?
Most observers note the generally positive character of their interactions with other children Mize, 1995).
Consider the following interaction between two four-year-olds:
Ben is sitting inside a large inner tube, wearing a firefighter helmet, when
Jim walks up and gives the inner tube a nudge with his foot. "Hurry and get in the truck," Ben shouts excitedly.
There's a fire and we gotta go put it out!" Jim gives the inner tube another listless nudge with his
foot and complains, "I don't wanna be a fireman, I wanna be a policeman." "I know,' offers Ben, "let's both
be policemen and get the bad guys who started the fire." Ben removes his firefighter helmet and
tosses it aside. Suddenly animated, Jim scrambles into the inner tube with him. "I'll drive," he states.
"Rrrrrrrrrrr," Ben replies, imitating the sound of a police siren.
Ben ignored Jim's somewhat unpleasant manner and responded instead with
enthusiastic and friendly suggestions. He did not react to Jim's negativity, but was instead agreeable
and willing to be flexible. Children, like Ben, who have many such harmonious interactions with a variety
of their preschool-aged peers are likely to be well-liked and accepted by them (Black &
Logan, 1995; Hazen & Black, 1989). Agreeable children also are likely to find acceptance in subsequent peer
settings, such as in kindergarten (Ladd & Price, 1987).
While being agreeable certainly is a prerequisite to good peer relations, it alone
is not sufficient. Socially competent preschoolers have started to develop additional, more
sophisticated skills that they use to make play exciting and fun. These are skills that serve children well as they
attempt to negotiate the increasingly complex world of peers. The first of these skills is the ability to tune-in
to important features of the social context (Black & Hazen, 1990; Putallaz, 1987). Children are able to
recognize other children's preferences, frame of reference, behavior, and interests and can adapt accordingly.
Consider the following interaction among four- and five-year-olds:
Elizabeth and Rachel are playing inside a cardboard playhouse. They have dolls which
they periodically hold up to the cut-out windows and then, squealing, quickly pull down.
Sarah walks over hoping to join in. "Can I play house?' she asks, "cause I have a doll, too." "We're not
playing house!" Rachel informs her. "We're playing ghosts!" 'Yeah," Elizabeth chimes in. "It's
Halloween and there's ghosts outside scaring us." "Anyway it's too crowded in here" adds Rachel. "Oh.
Well, I could be a ghost," Sarah offers. 'No you can't," objects Rachel. "Ghosts are invisible." 'I
know what," Sarah says, retrieving a nearby broom. "I'm the wicked witch." Sarah straddles the
broom and circles the playhouse, cackling. "Eeeeeiaaiiil" Rachel and Elizabeth squeal
excitedly. "There's a witch flying around our house!"
Sarah gains eventual entree into Elizabeth's and Rachel's play because she was able to
devise a strategy that was relevant to their interests - she didn't disrupt or change the play, she
made it more fun. Even when they are trying to be positive, children who are less tuned in may suggest
activities that are irrelevant to other children's interests, they may call attention to themselves, or they
may do things that are disruptive to the play. No matter how nicely she had asked, had Sarah tried suggest
that the girls play house instead of ghosts, she probably would have been met with rejection. But
with a little bit of persistence and creativity on Sarah's part, the others were convinced that having her
join the play would make it more fun. Although with too much persistence a child will be perceived as a
nuisance, a little flexible persistence, like Sarah's, is useful. One of the realities of social life in
preschool classrooms is that about half of children's requests to play are greeted with rejection by peers
(Corsaro, 1981). As Sarah demonstrated, willingness to maintain social interactions by initiating an
alternative in response to peers' rejections sometimes brings success (Hazen & Black, 1989). In contrast, a less
competent child might have given up dejectedly, argued with her peers, or demanded that her peers
play a different game. Not surprisingly, children who resort to antagonistic behaviors that disrupt the play
of their peers often are rebuffed or ignored and generally are disliked (Pettit & Harrist, 1993). If one or
two relevant, enthusiastic alternatives don't bring success, however, he competent child will wisely conclude
that it might be best to try another day.
In addition to being generally agreeable and well attuned to the social context,
socially competent children are responsive and able to mesh their behavior with the behavior of their
play partners (Mize, 1995).
Emma and Nadia, dressed in hats, jewelry and high heels, and sitting on two chairs
behind an old steering wheel are "driving" to McDonalds. Robert approaches and says, "Hey, I wanna drive!" "No,
we're driving!" shouts Nadia. "Yeah, the moms are driving," Emma answers, "you can
ride in the back.' Like many competent preschoolers, Emma responded contingently to Robert's
initiation, and even though she rejected his request to drive, she offered an alternative and an
explanation. Observations of competent preschoolers indicate that they are more likely than their
less competent peers to acknowledge and respond to others, and to offer an alternative or
reinitiate even if they must reject a peer's play suggestion (Hazen & Black, 1989). Less competent children
more often ignore others and have difficulty maintaining long, positive interactions. This
sensitive responsivity helps competent children maintain longer play bouts without getting into disruptive
disagreements.
Thus, children who are socially competent are able to do more than merely behave in
positive ways. They show a responsiveness and a sensitivity to the social context and to
others. They are able to maintain positive contact and counter play rejections with alternative options.
Knowledge of the characteristics of competent preschoolers can provide a solid grounding from which
teachers can offer guidance to parents about children's peer relationships.
Parental influence on children's social development
It is widely believed that the everyday experiences in relationships with their
parents are fundamental to children's developing social skills (Cohn, Patterson, & Christopoulous,
1991; Parke & Ladd, 1992). In particular, parental responsiveness and nurturance are
considered to be key factors in the development of children's social competence (Maccoby & Martin, 1983).
Loving and responsive parenting helps children to see the world in a positive way and to expect that
relationships with others will be rewarding. Children who display high levels of social competence typically enjoy
parent-child relationships characterized by positive and agreeable interactions, acceptance (Cohn,
Patterson, & Christopoulous, 1991; Pettit & Mize, 1993; Putallaz, 1987), and sensitive behavioral
exchanges in which parent and child respond to one another's cues (Harrist, Pettit, Dodge, & Bates, 1994;
Pettit, Harrist, Bates & Dodge, 1991; Pettit & Harrist, 1993). Parents of competent children also
minimize the use of physical punishment and coercive discipline (Dodge, Bates, & Pettit, 1990; Strassberg,
Dodge, Pettit, & Bates, 1994).
These styles of parent-child behavior are the foundation for children's social
development. Often they reflect unexamined assumptions, values, and attitudes that a parent brings
to childrearing. As such, suggesting a change in these fundamental patterns of interaction might be interpreted
by parents as an attack on their values and competence. In addition, because they are so ingrained,
basic qualities of the parent-child relationship are not likely to change based on an exchange with
preschool staff.
Specific steps parents can take to enhance children's social skills
Provide children with opportunities to play with peers. There is no substitute for the
experience children gain from interacting with peers. Children who have had many opportunities
to play with peers from an early age are clearly at an advantage when they enter formal group
settings such as daycare or public school (Ladd & Price, 1987; Lieberman, 1977). Children especially
benefit when they can develop long-lasting relationships. Young children - even toddlers - who are able to participate
in stable peer groups become more competent over time and have fewer difficulties than children
whose peer group membership shifts (Howes,1988). In short, children develop better, more sophisticated
social strategies when they are able to maintain stable relationships with other children they like
over long periods.
Play with children in a "peer-like' way, just for the sake of having fun. Children learn
crucial skills through play with other children, but children also learn a great deal through play
with their parents. Children whose parents frequently play with them have more advanced social skills and
get along better with peers. This is especially true, however, when parents play with their children in an
effectively positive and peer-like way (Lindsey, Mize, & Pettit, in press). Observational studies indicate
that the parents of the most socially competent children laugh and smile often, avoid criticizing their child
during play, are responsive to the child's ideas, and aren't too directive (MacDonald, 1987; MacDonald
& Parke, 1984).
Children gain important social skills from parents who play with them in ways that
reflect equality in the play interaction. Consider the following parent-child play scene:
Parent: Did you see these blocks?
Child: Oh, blocks!
Parent: What could we do?
Child: I know! We could make like, a, uh, a big pen.
Parent: A pen! O.K. Here, I'll start here, O.K.?
Child: No, no. We gotta start way over here. Move it over here.
Parent: Alright, I see, so it won't run into the sofa. Oh, but if I turn the block like
this, the pen will be longer. Or should we have it taller?
Child: Well, it's gotta be tall, so T-Rex can't
jump it.
Parent: (Picks up dinosaur: 'lopes' it along floor toward fence.) (In gruff voice)
RRRRR.... I'm gonna jump the fence.
Child: (Picks up another dinosaur figure, pushes it toward
parent's dinosaur.) But I'm
T-Rex and I've got sharp teeth, so you better not stomp the fence. Here, here's a cow you can eat!
(Throws small farm animal toward other dinosaur.)
Parent: Chomp, chomp, chomp. Thank you Mr. T-REX.
This parent didn’t correct the child or try to dominate the play. Instead, the parent
followed the child's ideas in an actively involved way and also contributed to advancing the 'story" of the
play. The child, in turn, picked up on the parent's ideas, and thus the play escalated so that parent and
child were just having fun playing as equals.
Children benefit from this type of play for several reasons. From balanced, responsive
play with a parent, children may learn many of the skills commonly displayed by the socially
competent preschoolers described earlier. In addition, when parents are responsive to children's play ideas,
children may come to feel that they are good, effective play partners and thus are eager to play with
peers. Finally, fun, balanced parent-child play may instill that positive outlook toward others that makes children
look forward to play opportunities with people outside the family.
Talk with children about social relationships and values. Children who have more
frequent conversations with a parent about peer relationships are better liked by other
children in their classrooms and are rated by teachers as more socially competent (Laird, Pettit, Mize, & Lindsey,
1994). As a part of normal, daily conversation, these parents and children talk about the everyday events
that happen in preschool, including things that happen with peers. Often these interactions take
place on the way home from school or at dinner (Bradbard, Endsley, & Mize, 1992; Laird et al., 1994). Just how
should parents handle these conversations, and what can they say that will make a difference? One
of the most important points to make in this regard is that these talks are not lectures, but rather
conversations enjoyed by both parent and child. As such, these conversations probably serve two purposes:
They communicate to the child an interest in his or her well-being, and they also serve as a basis for
information exchange and genuine problem solving.
Take a problem-solving approach. Parents don't have to know the answers to all
children's problems to talk to them in helpful ways. For example, a kindergarten child told her
father of a girl in her class who she described as being "mean to everybody," and to whom everyone else
was, in turn, "mean." In a conversational way, the father asked his daughter questions about what she
thought night be happening between the other child and her classmates. Through the discussion, the
daughter concluded that the child might be acting "mean" because she thought no one
in the class
liked her and decided, as a gesture of goodwill, to draw a picture and give it to the unpopular child. This father
didn't dismiss his daughter's concerns, or trivialize their complexity by offering an easy answer, and
he didn't lecture her or quiz her. Instead, he engaged her in a conversation that offered her support to
consider the problem for herself.
When problem-solving, parents can help children consider various solutions and
perspectives. In observations of mothers and fathers talking to their preschool children, we find that
parents of the most competent children often consider with the child multiple approaches to situations and
reflect on potential consequences of each course of action (Mize & Pettit, 1994):
Mom: Hmmm, gosh, what if he grabs your truck again, what do
you think you'll do?
Child: I'd probably just whap him upside his head!
Mom: You would? What'd he do, do you think, if you whapped
him?
Child: He'd give it back and never take it again!
Mom: You think so? You don't think he'd just whap you back,
and ya'll'd get in a big ol' fight and then he wouldn't want to play with you
again?
Child: Oh, yeah.
Mom: What else could you try?
Child: Say, "please?"
Mom: That'd be a nice thing to try. Do you think it’d work?
Child: No.
Mom: Well, maybe not. It might, but it might not, huh?
Child: I could say, "I'll come get you when I'm done."
Mom: Hey, that's an idea. That works sometimes with your sister,
doesn't it?
As teachers know, there are often no easy answers to most of children’s problems with
peers. Therefore, it is helpful for children to learn how to think about relationships and weigh
the consequences of their actions for themselves and others (Slaby, Roeder,
Arezo, & Hendrix, 1995). Of course, one of the most important factors to consider is the
effects of any potential action on others. Children who are encouraged to think in terms of others'
feelings and needs are more positive and prosocial with peers (Zahn-Waxler,
Radke-Yarrow, & King, 1979), and children whose parents talk with them more often about
emotions are better liked by their kindergarten peers (Laird, et al., 1994).
Endorse positive, relevant strategies. While its a good idea to problem-solve by helping
children consider various options and perspectives, a parent does not need to treat all
potential solutions as equally good. We have found that parents of competent children, like the mother in
the preceding example, talk about various options but endorse friendly, prosocial strategies that
leave the door open to play or friendship. Children react more positively to peers who try to solve
problems by negotiation or compromise rather than through tattling, aggression, or verbal coercion ("I won't play
with you anymore' or "I won't be your friend") (Crick & Grotepeter, 1995). Parents can help their
children develop these skills through conversations such as the following, in which a mother and her
four-year-old talk about how he could gain acceptance by a pair of children pretending to cook and wearing the
classroom’s only two chef's hats:
Child: I'd say, "Could I cook, too, please."
Mom: That'd be nice. But what if they want to keep cooking?
Child: Uh, I would just go play by myself.
Mom: Sure, you could do that. But, there's a table and some dishes. What happens
when you go to a restaurant? When you want something to eat?
Child: You say, "Bring me a hamburger!"
Mom: Yeah! Maybe you could be a customer and order dinner?
Child: Oh, yeah.
Notice that this strategy is not only friendly, it is relevant (it fits) with the other
children's interests (see Finnie & Russell, 1988; Russell & Finnie, 1990).
Reflect a positive, resilient attitude toward social setbacks. As previously mentioned,
exclusion by peers is a fact of preschoolers' lives (Corsaro, 1981). Children have different
reactions to these rejections, ranging from anger to acceptance. Some children come to believe
that others are "out to get them," or that other people are just generally mean. These children are likely to
react with aggression and hostility to mild slights by peers (Dodge, Pettit, McClaskey, & Brown, 1986). Other
children may assume that these rejections are caused by an enduring, personal deficiency ("I'm just not
much fun," "Other kids don't like me"), and are likely to withdraw from further peer interaction (Goetz &
Dweck, 1980). Socially competent children, in contrast, tend to explain these rejections as temporary or in
ways that recognize that a social situation can be improved by changing their own behavior (I'll have to
talk louder so they hear," or "I'll try to be friendlier next time"). Sometimes these children recognize that
the situation itself led to the rejection, such as the child whose request to play was refused by two of his
peers. "Well, of course I couldn't play," he said, "I should have noticed they only had two trucks!"
Parents of these socially competent children endorse interpretations of social events
that encourage resilient, constructive attitudes (Mize, Pettit, Lindsey, & Laird, 1993).
Rather than making a statement such as, "That's a really mean kid!" they may say something like, "Gosh,
maybe he's having a hard day." They make constructive attributions such as, "Sometimes kids just
want to play by themselves," rather than expressing a sentiment like, 'They're not very nice if they won't let you
play." These parents avoid defeatist comments such as "Maybe they don't like you," and offer instead
suggestions like, "Maybe they don't want to play that, but there might be something else they think is fun."
Such positive, constructive statements encourage children to take an optimistic view of others and
themselves as play partners. They reflect an upbeat, resilient attitude toward social setbacks and the
belief that social situations can be improved with effort and positive behavior.
Intervene when necessary, but let older preschoolers work out problems themselves
when possible. The preceding suggestions may convey the impression that parents and
caregivers of socially competent children must spend all of their time strategically engineering peer play
opportunities and looking for chances to talk to children about relationship values. This is not the case,
however. While parents of competent preschoolers do take the time to structure play opportunities and
assist their children in interpreting their play experiences, they do not interfere in
children's ongoing play unless it is necessary.
Indeed, research indicates that a gradual disengagement of parents from involvement
in young children's play with peers is beneficial. While toddlers need an adult supervisor
present most of the time, and, in fact, often play in more sophisticated ways when an adult is
present to facilitate their interaction (Bhavnagri & Parke, 1991), as children get
older, they benefit from trying to work things out during play on their own (Slaby et al, 1995). A parent’s
presence and involvement does not benefit older preschoolers (Bhavnagri &
Parke, 1991; Parke &
Bhavnagri, 1989), and may actually interfere with children's development of social skills (Ladd & Golter,
1988).
Preschool teachers often find themselves in the position of giving advice to parents
about children's social skills. The research-based information presented here is intended to
offer teachers solid footing for their counsel. In summary, recommendations could focus on any of
three different areas. First, teachers can help parents realize that children need
practice to fully develop their social skills, and that children get their practice from playing both with other
children and with their parents. Teachers can suggest that parents provide opportunities for their
children to develop stable relationships with other children. Most adults can be reminded that they are more
relaxed and have more fun when they are with people they know well, and they can see that this is
true for children as well. Teachers can also suggest that parents take the time to play as equal partners with
their children. By following their children's lead, maintaining a positive, non-competitive attitude, and
having fun together, parents will help children develop a positive attitude toward themselves and others as
play partners.
Second, teachers can suggest to parents that they find ways to offer their children
helpful information about how social relationships work. Casual discussions about the events
of the day can sometimes lead to conversations in which parents guide children to consider the
reasons for peers' behaviors and various options for responding. Discussions that occur when
children are interested and that use a problem-solving approach are likely to be most helpful.
Finally, teachers can point out to parents how important a positive attitude is for
getting along with others. Most adults can relate to the fact that it is easier to behave in a friendly way
when one has a positive attitude toward others, the situation, and oneself. Children benefit
when adults offer them positive ways to interpret the events that are a part
of their daily lives. Children’s social competence with peers is an important aspect of their social
development. Teachers and parents who are aware of the elements of social competence in preschool-aged
children can encourage and nurture these skills.
Footnote:
Many of the following suggestions and descriptions of parenting come from a
series of studies we and our colleagues have conducted on how parents help children learn social skills.
In these studies, we have observed parents and children playing together (Lindsey, Mize, &
Pettit, (in press); Brown, Pettit, Mize & Lindsey, 1995) and we have watched as parents supervise the
play of their own children and one or more peers (Brown et Al., 1995; Mize, Pettit, & Brown, 1995;
Pettit & Mize, 1993). We have also conducted interviews with parents (Laird, Pettit, Mize, & Lindsey,
1994) and we have observed parents as they talk to their children about social problem
dilemmas presented in videotape vignettes (Brown et al., 1995; Mize & Pettit, 1994; Pettit & Mize, 1993).
~~~~~~~~~~
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© 1996, Southern
Early Childhood Association. All rights reserved.
This article originally appeared in Dimensions of
Early Childhood, Vol. 24, No. 3, and is posted on NLD on the Web! with
permission of the Southern Early Childhood Association (SECA).
Reproduction of this material in any form other than for individual
educational purposes, without the express written permission of the SECA,
is prohibited.
About the authors -
Jacquelyn Mize, PhD, is an Associate
Professor in the Department of Family and Child Development at Auburn University,
Auburn, Alabama.
Ellen Abell, PhD, is an Extension Family and Child Development Specialist and
Assistant Professor in the Department of Family and Child Development at Auburn University, Auburn,
Alabama.
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